Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.

I know, you’d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group. (Chat with Weissbourd here.)

About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:

1. Make caring for others a priority

Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.

2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.

5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.


參考譯文：
    今年早些時(shí)候，我寫了一篇《教孩子具有同情心》的文章。文章的核心觀點(diǎn)是出自Richard Weissbourd，他是哈佛大學(xué)的心理學(xué)家，擁有教育學(xué)碩士學(xué)位。他還在運(yùn)營(yíng)著旨在幫助教育孩子善良成長(zhǎng)的“大眾關(guān)愛”（Making Caring Common）項(xiàng)目。

我知道你會(huì)覺得父母?jìng)兛隙ń毯⒆映蔀橐粋�(gè)善良的人，是吧？可是Richard的研究小組最新的研究表明，并不是這樣。

在研究中，大約有80%的青少年承認(rèn)他們的父母更關(guān)心他們的成績(jī)或者是幸福，但很少過(guò)問(wèn)他們是否關(guān)愛他們。受訪者們更同意“相比于我關(guān)心同學(xué)，我的父母更因我取得了好成績(jī)而自豪”的這種說(shuō)法。

Weissbourd和他的同事為如何教育孩子成長(zhǎng)為關(guān)愛他人、禮貌負(fù)責(zé)的人提供了一些建議。為什么這件事如此重要呢？因?yàn)槿绻�我們想要讓孩子成為一個(gè)品行端正的人，我們就必須這么做。

研究人員寫到：“孩子們并不是生來(lái)就能斷定他是個(gè)好人還是壞人，我們從不應(yīng)該放棄教育他們。他們需要在成年人的幫助下，在童年中不斷成長(zhǎng)為關(guān)愛他人、知書達(dá)理又有責(zé)任心的人。”

“大眾關(guān)愛”項(xiàng)目對(duì)教育品行端正、關(guān)愛他人的孩子提出了五點(diǎn)建議：

1. 把關(guān)愛他人放在第一位

為什么？父母總是把孩子的幸福和成績(jī)置于孩子關(guān)愛他人之前。但孩子需要學(xué)會(huì)滿足他人的需求，不論是傳球給隊(duì)友還是決定幫助受欺負(fù)的朋友。

怎么辦？孩子們需要從父母那兒得到關(guān)愛他人是擺在第一位的。那么最主要的就是要對(duì)孩子有著很高的道德期望值，比如信守有時(shí)并不是很愉快地承諾。舉個(gè)例子來(lái)說(shuō)，在孩子退出球隊(duì)或樂(lè)隊(duì)，甚至是一段友誼之前，我們要讓他們考慮一下自己對(duì)集體或朋友之間的責(zé)任，并鼓勵(lì)他們?cè)谕顺鲋�前解決問(wèn)題。

試一試

• 不要再說(shuō)”最重要的是你要開心“這樣的話了，而是應(yīng)該說(shuō)”最重要的是你要成為一個(gè)善良的人。“
   
• 確保長(zhǎng)子即使在疲憊、注意力不集中或是生氣的時(shí)候也能禮貌待人。
   
• 在和其他大人接觸的時(shí)候要強(qiáng)調(diào)關(guān)愛他人。比如去問(wèn)問(wèn)老師，你的孩子是否能在學(xué)校里關(guān)愛他人。、

2. 提供給孩子親自關(guān)愛他人和表達(dá)感謝的機(jī)會(huì)

為什么？成為好人從來(lái)都不晚，只要你去做。孩子需要親自去關(guān)心他人，并對(duì)他人的關(guān)心表達(dá)感謝。研究表明擁有表達(dá)感謝習(xí)慣的人更樂(lè)于助人、更慷慨、更富有同情心，也更容易原諒他人——他們也更快樂(lè)和健康。

怎么辦？學(xué)習(xí)關(guān)愛他人就如同學(xué)習(xí)一項(xiàng)運(yùn)動(dòng)或是某種樂(lè)器一樣。每天不斷地練習(xí)——不論是輔導(dǎo)朋友功課還是做家務(wù)，亦或是在班級(jí)中擔(dān)任職務(wù)——讓關(guān)愛他人成為一種習(xí)慣，并不斷鍛煉青少年照顧他人的能力。學(xué)習(xí)感恩也需要不斷練習(xí)。

試一試

• 不要獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)孩子的每一次幫助行為，比如收拾餐桌。我們希望孩子們能和兄弟姐們或是鄰居一起做家務(wù)，獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)他們的那些不同尋常的善良舉動(dòng)。
   
• 和你的孩子聊聊在電視上看到的那些關(guān)愛他人和置他人于不顧的行為，還有他們親眼看到的或是在新聞中看到的正義和非正義的舉動(dòng)。
   
• 讓感恩成為一種日常習(xí)慣，不論是在晚餐時(shí)間、睡前還是在汽車?yán)铮�在地鐵上。對(duì)那些在或大或小方面幫助過(guò)我們的人表達(dá)感謝。
   

3. 讓孩子學(xué)會(huì)幫助更多的人

為什么？大多數(shù)孩子只會(huì)關(guān)心他們的家人和朋友。我們需要幫助孩子去學(xué)會(huì)關(guān)愛更多的人，比如班里的新同學(xué)，不會(huì)說(shuō)當(dāng)?shù)卣Z(yǔ)言的人，學(xué)校管理人員或者異鄉(xiāng)人。

怎么辦？孩子們需要學(xué)會(huì)拉近鏡頭，傾聽和照顧他的”小圈子“，同時(shí)也要學(xué)會(huì)拉遠(yuǎn)鏡頭，學(xué)會(huì)考慮他們每天接觸的那些人的多個(gè)方面，包括那些脆弱的人。他們需要考慮一下自己的決定，比如退出球隊(duì)或樂(lè)隊(duì)，是如何波及以及傷害團(tuán)隊(duì)中的成員們的。尤其是在我們這個(gè)全球化的社會(huì)中，孩子越來(lái)越需要關(guān)心文化背景和自己完全不同的那些人。

試一試

• 讓孩子一定要友善并感謝日常生活中的所有人，比如巴士司機(jī)和服務(wù)生。
   
• 鼓勵(lì)孩子關(guān)注那些脆弱的人。給孩子一些簡(jiǎn)單的建議，幫助他進(jìn)入“關(guān)懷鼓勵(lì)地帶”，比如安慰一個(gè)哭泣的同學(xué)。
   
• 用報(bào)紙或電視上的故事來(lái)鼓勵(lì)孩子思考其他國(guó)家孩子面臨的困難。
   

4.成為一名強(qiáng)大的道德模范和導(dǎo)師

為什么？孩子容易從他們崇拜的大人身上學(xué)習(xí)道德準(zhǔn)則。他們也會(huì)從不斷思考道德兩難的問(wèn)題上學(xué)習(xí)。比如，“如果我最好的朋友不喜歡我的新鄰居，我是否還應(yīng)該邀請(qǐng)新鄰居來(lái)參加我的生日聚會(huì)？”

怎么辦？如果我們想成為道德模范的話，這就意味著我們要誠(chéng)實(shí)、正直并且自尊自愛。但這不意味著完美無(wú)缺。正因?yàn)楹⒆觽兂绨莺托湃挝覀儯�我們也需要承認(rèn)自己的過(guò)錯(cuò)和缺點(diǎn)。我們也需要尊重孩子的思想，傾聽他們的觀點(diǎn)，向他們表明我們多么希望他們也能夠去鼓勵(lì)他人。

試一試

• 模范會(huì)每月至少做一次社區(qū)服務(wù)。如果能和你的孩子一起做那就更好了。
   
• 讓孩子在餐桌上思考道德困境，或是問(wèn)問(wèn)他們有沒(méi)有遇到過(guò)這類問(wèn)題。